l00k

finals week

i'm cold

imagery

my painted finger seeks true north
a heavy arrow, leading me up the path

burdens i willingly bare
smiling my bloody grin

i am nothing
seeking elusive everything

huge steps forward,
all the while dragging my booted feet.

look at this

freakin sweet candle i got at target.

sober

i've been sober for two months now.

since my accident the only alcohol i've had at all is a small glass of champagne (which i couldn't finish) a couple of days ago. my mum gave me a bottle cuz she knows that i like champagne. i probably could have finished my glass if i had orange juice, but it had expired.. opps! luckily garrick was still here and he had no problem finishing the bottle off! ha.

anyway, i feel quite proud of myself. i guess i never noticed how much i relied on alcohol before. and i feel healthier and better about myself now. altho my main diet consists of spaghetti o's and nature valley bars... but thats college life for ya!

staring at the ceiling

the earth moves beneath my feet,
this scratch i wish was deep

yup

constant

pain.
that's my life right now. my teeth still hurt.. they are so sensitive to cold that even breathing in and out hurts... and i still can't bite into anything, it's been six weeks since the accident. i previously thought that my pain when biting into ANYTHING at all was because of the broken or fractured bones. maybe it was in the beginning... but now i'm speculating that its actually the extreme sensitivity that is causing the other pain i experience on a daily basis.

next weekend i'm driving up to the bay area to get the wire removed. was going to get root canals which i really need... but i guess that part of my appointment has been canceled cuz we are getting someone else to do it. just hoping that i get them sooner rather then later.

BUT
today i realized that i am sort of obsessed with nail polish. i have no many now and i change it often. hmmm

here is one i got today.. in the pic it sort of looks like its grey but its a greyish purple.

lookbook

dork

who doesn't love changing into comfy clothes when they get home from school or work? no one... thats who. :)

solitary

this sense of separation,
a self-imposed loneliness

looking to my left,
i see my old self
looking to my right,
i see nothing

trapped
terrified
translucent

fuck this heat

fuckin LA man... so god damn hot. says it's seventy degrees and it feels like its 85 in my apartment. Supposed to hit 83 degrees today... which means it will feel like a 100.. at least to me. i feel bad for bunny.... when i go to school... can't leave the air on while i am gone, i hope there is a breeze today.

.... there was this man on the bus yesterday... he had a wizards staff... it was cool.
and this is beatrix hanging out with my on the couch. she is getting more adjusted to her new home everyday!

it's the weekend

just a lazy saturday. waiting for the time warner guy so he can check my internet connection because sometimes it sucks for no apparent reason.

cutest bunny EVER

Beatrix!

tuesday

so today is tuesday... i have my into to lgbt class and discussion section today. prepared with all the readings done!
it's still gloomy as most mornings in LA are.. and i hope it stays this way. i am ready for winter. for sweaters and blankets. i hate the heat... especially here... it's a stuffy sort of heat.. really gross.

introducing.. Beatrix Potter

some pictures of my bunny! Her name is Beatrix Potter and she is soo cute. She was born in July.. so she's about three months old now :)

my face

after the fall

turns out

falling on your face really isn't funny... at all.

i misplaced three front teeth and chipped four of them...when i got to the dentist i informed her that i didn't want to look in the mirror... not for vanity reasons but because it scared me how bad it was. she took some x rays and then numbed me up.... then she stood behind me and forced my three teeth that had been severely pushed back... forward. i heard her say something to the other doctor about manipulating the palate or something. it wasn't fun... i was numbed up but i could feel a big pressure and even the nurse there couldn't watch her do this.

she did an amazing job and they pretty much look the same as before... then the second doctor fixed the chips in my teeth. and finally a wire was placed across my front teeth and glued in place to hold my teeth steady because they were loose... i had not broken any teeth (besides the chips) but had broken some of my upper jaw, the part that holds the teeth in place. this wire sort of acts like a cast would on a broken arm.

in six weeks i get the wire removed... then i get four possibly five root canals. then i will probably get impressions so that i can get invisiline..


and finally.... years down the road my teeth will probably start to turn black and i will have to get veneers.
until i get veneers i cannot bite into anything like apples...corn on the cob...etc... the chip fix stuff isn't strong enough... it would probably break and i would have to go back and get it fixed again.

i kind of have a black eye and my cheek is a bit swollen and there is a bruise on my chin from when i fell.


this all happened because i was at my friends house and we had all been drinking...they were playing with whipped cream and i didn't notice that they had spilt some on the floor and i slipped on it, my reaction time was off because i was drunk so i didn't put my arms out and fell straight on my face.
it was all an accident and could have happened to any one of us... so i'm not mad and i don't blame anyone.

alcohol isn't fun for me anymore... and this obviously sealed the deal.. i am not going to drink anymore. after sleeping on and off after it happened i would wake up and think.. oh thank god! it was just a dream... then i would feel my misplaced teeth in my mouth and remember that it wasn't. not a good feeling. i never want anything like this to happen again.

last night

i fell on my face. i was in the emergency room for 9hours. four cracked teeth and misplaced front tooth. dentist appointment tomorrow to get it fixed.

the shit pile is getting bigger!

My tuition is due next week and my loans aren't enough to pay it. And I submitted a form asking for increase on my loans but it will take ten more business days to process. If I don't pay it by the 23rd they are going to drop me from all of my classes and then I guess thats that. I still haven't gotten my books either and I wanted to start reading before classes started (class starts on Thurs). Oh and my gas and internet bill is due at the end of the month as well.... then its rent on the 1st.. then credit card bill. Then probably my electric bill......... oh did I mention I am completely out of money?

yup... life is just super right now!

look!

in a month or two i am going to be getting a bunny like this one!
lookbook look.


.... so things have been alright here in LA. School starts the 22nd...finally. I of course am still having money issues.. so there is still a constant feeling of pressure and worry. I cannot wait till next month when all this is settled.

finds from santa monica blvd goodwill

yay, i love goodwill!!

the pulse

never ask for normalcy
i claw and scratch at the walls


pleasure in the pain
and the undulating red lines


only listen
never ask, only tell

this story is yours as well

never alice

the mirror reflection
reflected back at me

frowning only in my mind
this girl looks tired and lost

she was meant for trees and rivers
not concrete worries and realism at it's worst.

she can't read
her mind wanders to the darkest valleys

it dives,
and on a good day it soars.

FUCKFUCK

how much money would you pay for an experience? a little extra knowledge? i wonder if the price is too high.
my ultimate goal can only be achieved by this BULLSHIT.
i deeply fear i shall be in debt the rest of my adult life reaching a goal.

why oh why don't i learn how to bake and open up a bake shop somewhere... take cheap writing classes, write a paranormal teen series and become rich and be ABLE to pay for the things i want. i want knowledge, why does knowledge (a degree).. have to cost SO FUCKING MUCH.


FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK

itching to be gone

seeking
i rhyme too much
this and that

even i tire of it all:
i find myself suspended in bullshit

rock and a hard place
it just doesn't quite cut it

my actions rarely reflecting my thoughts
my eagerness only escalating.

filling the empty hours of the day :
mindless reading

three months
in the blink of an eye
(i'm gone)

super senses

noise
a sound by definition
a crux to lean upon

me
a singular organism
cell cell
celebrate freedom

expression and
feeling

stumble
fall
the action cost it all

your trip
it made me get a grip

rhymes unnecessary

eyes that cut and bruise

change coming fast

i have officially accepted my offer of admission from UCLA. and yes, this is indeed my final answer. i feel like moving to LA is a real change i need and ucla is an amazing school with loads of clubs and things to do. and the campus is the most amazinggggg thing ive ever seen.

although i am scared shitless i am also excited. i feel this is the change i need and itll be the real step i need into becoming a self sufficient adult.

i am worried about money and not having any friends but im sure itll work out. i guess money is the main concern. my parents can only pay my car bill while im gone so i gotta figure out how to pay rent and food when i dont have a job.... i kno im gettting financial aid but i dont know how much yet and i know my gparents r gunna help but i dont kno how much they will be able to either. i guess i could always take out a loan, but thats not something i wanna do.

the thing i hate most is planning and worrying. once im in my new place and figure out the money issue ill be fine. i just hope im not super lonely. and winning the lottery may be nice.

unseen roots

noise
a sound by definition
a crux to lean upon

me
a singular organism
cell cell
celebrate freedom

expression and
feeling

stumble
fall
the action cost it all

your trip
it made me get a grip

rhymes unnecessary

eyes that cut and bruise

cheese

i'm not nice
i say it with a smile
and the highest pitch i can manage
----->
halloweens all year round for this hypocrite

didn't think it could get any darker? guess again

finally allowing myself to shed the tears


my mind wanders into realms of self inflicted injuries

unearthed part2 2010

she told me to suck it
i told her to fuck it
whatsitmatteranyway

unearthed 2010

i banged my head on that ridiculous metaphor of a wall
it took awhile but one day i began to see clear
what is it they call these floating dots in my vision again?

i find so many words to be frustrating
and habits seem to be harder than ever to break
i smile and laugh
and indeed i am

id love to talk in circles for years for it gives me great pleasure
but sometimes i wonder if time is running out
then i slap myself for such foolish thoughts as that
because how could it be running out
when time is only beginning
begging to begin for me

never there

a lack of satisfaction
and an abundance of disappointment has taught me everything
and by everything i mean almost nothing

skipskip frolic, slip

a novel by moi

this is the start of something that may turn out to be a novel by me.

"Another day, ....another..penny?" Charlie's foot fell with some finality on the top step of her parent's front porch. As her foot hit the hard cool pavement it triggered a momentary slowed consciousness. In quick succession she contemplated her situation; the lack of money, self esteem/ respect, and the all together stagnant position of her so called life.
With a somewhat deflated mood she walked to her car. As she was fumbling with the key (yes, she unlocked her car the old fashioned way. A habit she could never fully explain) she thought about how buying this new car had been her biggest mistake. After all, her main issues with money revolved around her inescapable car payment. If she was in a particularly bad mood she could blame the fact that she was almost 23 and still living at home on the $300 a month she paid in bills.

a race

a heart that races for hours

its end was met as soon as she drove away
-there remained a hole-

isn't it funny to finally understand what empty means

deepest

echoes
seemingly meaningless

the reverberations
i never fail to notice

trying to smile
{a twisted version appears}

finally a dark corridor to wander

woah

people actually commented on my last post. i feel... weird?

thank you for saying nice things to me :)



ps. new writings coming soon to a heydontcallmethat blog near you!

daily life

adorable picture of natalie making playdoh lunch in my room before i rearranged etc



three or was it four?... pair of shoes tied together hanging from bart.... for some reason




garricks roommate likes plastic bags



uhh ignore the eyes i was drunk. BUT i cut my bangs blunt into a kind of point. (not when i was drunk btb :)



my boyfriend being cute



one of my looks on lookbook




me and garrick just playin around..... there was whiskey and ginger ale involved

words that cut

"it's no fun till someone dies"
the words echoed inside her
vibrating. caressing.

the words on the page she happened to be reading
suddenly bolder
more in focus
(sharp enough to cut her milky white skin)

she stared until she was certain
no, it wasn't a trick

her mind came alive at
the thought of death
(a revelation that pleased as much as it frightened)

she knew death well,
a confidant it seems

happy valentines day

the wind sings a song of torment
a constant string of lashings to your
ever tender ego

love is illusive
and you lack the ability
to decipher the code

so your words spill out of your mouth
the sentences you form are more disconcerting
then the sound of your mother making love

"humility" not being part of your ever-shrinking vocabulary
you continue onto a path of sure destruction

walk oh oblivious one
onward to your destiny of despair.

uh

today i'm 99% sure i got fired.

here are more life in shitty cell phone pictures

ps. i'm wearing a neck pillow and watching king of the hill while drinking beers. have been for hours.

life in shitty cellphone pics

inspiration

thirsty souls
yearn for love

silence is violence
so shut the
fuckup

and let me wallow in this
:perfect=
:imperfection:

this corner speaks only to me
i know its language well
the seductive voice
opposite of reason

it tells me to touch myself
- to jump off and die smiling

the feeling of kneeling is too sweet to ignore

murder

i'd always wanted to know
the feeling of warmth deep inside.

i should have known you'd never let me down
all my doubts, now laid to rest

as i lay here witness to your great kindness
.when all is considered i suppose i (could) find it sweet
that you remembered
my disdain for cold.

the smile that stretched across your lips
you're eyes widening as i grew wetter,
reflected in mine

you promised you'd stay until the end
and you're a man of your word.

'till the last drop.

always surprised

another note
another night

it all flashes.
to be honest ,
it astounds me

here i am,
with hardly anything to say
and this screen is filled with letters.
singular.

combine them.
they usually translate
into pure sexuality

neurotic

greedy hands/
the sweat they suffer daily make them soft on her skin

my aspirations

do not include residing in oakland

oh god how i tire of, all of it.
i am so bored lately, but even though i yearn for my future...i am nervous of what's to come.
to pacify my sometimes sudden mood changing fears, i assure myself that the alternative (being stuck in my parents house) is far worse than the fear that the unknown future instills in me.

soon enough all will be sorted, for better, or worse. i am as always, hoping and planning ..for the former.

i am hoping i will be accepted to ucsc and will then be happy there.
i sometimes wish i could fast forward through two years, i want my life.

blah blah life comes through living.
yes i know, i realize, gather this...i do.

oh fuck.

Thursday

well yesterday was my only day off this week. so here i am sitting in my room waiting for the 30min to pass before i have to go to work.

but yesterday was a good day (for the most part.... the only downside was the severe and weird stomach cramps i had all day)
i went to wc to see my mum and go out to lunch, then i got my nails done....ANNNDDD bought a NEW PURSE! oh man, i have waited so long for a nice new purse its ridiculous. and this one isn't a marc by marc, which is totally shocking for me. it's a michael kors



the good thing is that it was originally $450 and was marked down to $230 :)

anyway, last night garrick spent the night at my house and we just had dinner with my mum and dad and watched a couple movies. pretty mellow night and a nice day.

today i sent out my transcripts to the colleges i applied to. drove to dvc and when i got there they said you had to do it online. which i find extremely annoying. i just hope i sent em to the right addresses, becuz trying to find the addresses was hard. sometimes there was more then one and other times it was hard to even find the address number. if they get messed up im gunna be so pissed.

all right, nothing else has happened. need to save more money as always, should eat better....pretty normal stuff.

here are pictures from last night.

sallisaw, oklahoma

i recently went to sallisaw, oklahoma for vacation with my family. brothersistermotherfather. so we had a good deal of family there. it was fun, boring, annoying, and awesome. it was really cold so we couldnt go out on the four wheelers for hours at a time like we do in the summer. but we still shot guns, fished, rode around on four wheelers, and went to super walmart almost everyday. and i ate at braums way too much too, but its ok cuz i ate junior cheeseburgers :) . anyway, sallisaw isnt exciting but its where all my dads family lives. so it was worth it.

we went becuz we havent all been in years n years and my grandpa has real bad lung problems so it was time to go and see them because they cant travel anymore. all in all im glad i went.

right before i went i had burned my hand pretty bad at work. so i was wearing a bandage most of the time. luckily i am feeling much better and ready to get back to work. i work a couple days this week and then next week its 6days! crazy crazy.