A path much inhibited by unseen forces

I find myself trying to find my place in a world that contradicts who I am and who I want to be. This appears to be an unconscious activity, but when I think about it I can't help but feel that this great challenge is the source of all of my unhappiness.

on one cloudy dusk

yes the sun has gone away

instead of peace i felt dismay

where there was once a feeling of glad room

i now only sense impending doom

drip drop the tick is mocking

bloody destruction

emotions thrown like weapons

discarded on the floor,

and tears that burn like acid

fire

burns, they hurt the worst

scarred by your obsessive need to hold onto fire

blackened skin and bleeding hearts

long white fingers that beckon you near

(ever closer to that flame)

it seems to hold all your deepest desires

abandon what you will, and feel all the regret and guilt

(because you are mine and i see no point in denying) 

run and run away from me

but in the end you will be filled with glee

with ecstasy 

standing in front of the open door

the uncharacteristic silence of that night

how it filled me with a sense of peace and of dread

i long for sleep for it carries into me dreams

places that always seem familiar and yet make me feel ill at ease 

people that i speak to, who flow in and out as if they are phantoms

the feeling of being shot, the tingling fear of people who mean me harm

and yet, in them i find a comfort that quickly recedes after waking

failure was never an option

so much is changing
i find myself trying to as well
life is different now, and i find myself looking up instead of down
i've been through a lot and i am strong and capable of being who i imagine myself to be.
i am capable of achieving these goals.
i am doing well in school and i can't help but be proud.
next tues i also begin my volunteer work at a battered women's shelter and that is something i am looking forward to experiencing.

with all these positive aspects of life i still know i've got a way to go before my gut reaction to the question; are you happy? is yes. right now it's no.

but i'm doing more then surviving in many aspects of my life, i am thriving.
now it's time to work on those other aspects. because one day i will know again the feeling of excitement when you meet someone new. one day i will do more then smirk, i will smile.

new hair

what you always wanted

standing in this empty doorway

liminal

i am defeated

waking up in the nude

useless wanderings

the effect of which 

torments my soul

in the night

awoken in sweat

i fear the unknown 

dreaming of words

torn from sleep 

(by the ramblings of my mind)

these things that blow away

(lost forever)

sonofa

lies and bullshit

walks in the night
filled with the scent of jasmine,
 the sometimes warm air

 all this in a place filled with trash

 hollowed feelings reverberate through my body
 call me broken hearted, nice to meet you.

stuck inside the walls of all this inner strife.

grey, the space between black and white
the space where feeling is allowed
utterly relentless

grey is the place where i ***** you
a space between reason and reality

that space and that place
are gone now, like so much else

i've moved on to asphalt
darker and seductive
the unknown
before it dries and settles.

me, lately

got a job at urban outfitters. been studying as usual. and that's about it.

blah

i made these!

and they are falling apart.. more stitching to do to reinforce them.. but i dont know if i will ever be able to wear them. i shall try again soon and hopefully it works better the next time around.

desires

erotic

the evidence of an
ever increasing need for pleasure

she spoke of it
i listened with rapture

the
all consuming need

it only grew with each day
she fed the fire with lust
with pain
and devotion

eyes

i tried to find the end of the world
not in dates and numbers
nor in myth and legend

searching always;
i was struck by its sudden appearance
in those fair blue eyes

they snatched away my hope
and took from me my heart

so i was left in my wandering
heartless and alone

i bled for them
and yet i wish they never release me

if i was left with feeling
i would find it impossible to deny
that they give me
what none else can

don't tap the glass

the moving statue
never really saying anything of worth
talking nonsense bullshit vomit

it bends over for the correct emotional change
it'll take it all
avoid avoid