Down the rabbit hole that is my street at 4am

    I awoke at four am in the morning. Not terribly surprising as I had been tossing and turning all night. This is simply to point out that I am not sure if it was my sister's cats howling that indeed what woke me or if it was simply apart of the nights general pattern. In any case, something was different, a strange noise. Upon straining my ear while I laid in bed contemplating my state of awakeness, I heard a howl, and it was not a happy howl (to be fair I don't think a cats howl is ever a good sign), not being one to ignore an animal (and my sisters at that) in distress I got myself out of bed and through the front door. 

    My arrival outside the house seemed so surreal and sudden, and for I'm sure many reasons, I wondered if playing fighting cat noises outside late at night was perhaps a rapists m.o.. Naturally I got a little worried, I looked to my left and right but saw no signs of danger so I continued on and began softly calling his name. Ten seconds or so later I hear a response (I hope not directed at me), another loud and mean howl. I can barely see him, there at the end of the street and there isn't another cat in sight, yet. I begin walking in such a way as to make haste yet not scare the god damned skittish bastard off (he was my sisters cat after all). When walking to the semi illuminated corner I even had the time to say to myself, "This is rather an odd situation I find myself in". 

    I'm there, close enough to make out that there are indeed two cats involved, in an apparent standoff. This brings some relief that he isn't injured or simply insane, howling into the night for no reason. (I keep fucking thinking of Allen Ginsberg). When I get close enough the two cats part ways and I squint and approach, "Kitty?.... Is that you?... Come here Kitty". He doesn't come here, in fact he walks the fuck off underneath a neighbors car, but not before pausing. He seems to taunt me with that pause, because I know it means he's recognized me, and dismissed me because I am indeed not my sister. I stay for a few minutes more, attempting to coax him out from underneath their damn minivan. All the while I keep thinking maybe it's the Vicodin I took and what if I'm somehow tripping or something. I softly say "fuck it" and begin my short walk back down the street to my house, in my pjs without my shoes. 

    When I open the door and step back inside my cat Penny is waiting, seemingly anxious. I pick her up and bring her with me back to bed, where for a few minutes she furiously demands a great number of pets. I can tell she was worried and feels lovey because she bites me while I pet her, a gem my cat, a real gem. After she feels satisfied and dismisses me, I lay back down and write this, because my god; what a weird event. And now if you'll excuse me, I'll lay back down and cuddle my giant stuffed white rabbit. 

this is depression

Here's the truth she said

There is no truth

It's in your head 

Fake it till you make it

That's what they say

And I must admit I'd take it that way

Because no one fancies being in this pit

One day soon

And then not far

You'll glance at the moon

And accept the scars

Life is beautiful, even when it's not

You are in control 

Even when you are distraught 

So go on tilt your head back and drink it in whole

Your life has been waiting 

Now you feel ready 

No more debating 

It's finally time to feel steady 

Sometimes Instagram comment arguments beget productive things

This piece I wrote is in response to the misconception or belief that feminists seek to gain equality at the expense of men, either socially, politically or economically, or some combination thereof. I have attempted to explain how generally most feminists do not believe in gaining equality at the expense of men because we do not blame our inequalities on all men in society but rather view the oppression as a by product of patriarchy in its historical and contemporary functions. An easier way of understanding this concept is to view power relations or oppression not simply as top down processes but as a process that exists within a larger matrix of domination. 

Oppression or power isn't some easily seen or defined thing, a singular force from whence ideologies are made and disseminated. To view it this way would be only looking at one aspect of the process. It's like if the oppressed or the individual affected by a certain type of power relation were a rock, and this rock was being pushed into the ground by the palm of someone's hand and you only saw the person doing the pushing and assumed that that was the only force at work. Where in fact there are many other things to consider in how far down that rock goes. Is the soil wet or dry? Or some variation there of? What type of soil is it? What is the reason for the person pushing the rock? Is the rock digging into their hand and making it difficult to push it into the earth? How strong is the person? Did they get enough sleep or food etc to be able to actually do a good job of pushing the rock into the ground? Is it raining or really hot? .. The list can go on and on and on. The important thing to notice is that that power relations or oppression is being affected by many things other than one single force. We don't think that there is one man or one thing to blame for the oppression of women. The oppression continues because it is influenced by past ideologies that we still cling to, because why would the dominant want to relinquish power (when in fact the only way anything would be taken away is other peoples level of tolerance for any misogynistic actions or beliefs)? In short, the oppression continues because the way in which power relations work for this particular category are no longer appropriate or valid for a world and a country that claims that women are equal to men . We have moved on in many aspects but still cling to views that have no relevance in the way the world is experienced and the direction the world seems to be going. Power is omnipresent and it comes from a seemingly infinite amount of directions and is influenced by a seemingly infinite amount of conditions and situations. We cannot change the presence of power and power relations but we can attempt to analyze it more thoroughly and identify areas that for one reason or another have come to oppress millions of people, in this case women. To raise one person up to the level of another does not mean that we have to drag the other down. We do not seek to drown men in an attempt to save ourselves from drowning. We want to be thrown a life saver and ride it out with the men at our sides as our equals; equally deserving of respect, economic and political equality, and a feeling of relative reasonable safety in our everyday lives regardless of how we look or act. 

Tricky

Your small words 

Fall between my fingers

Your slippery and eels aren't my style

That silver letter

Between my breasts the thrumming hums

A constant beat that speaks my life story 

Pain strength and an unbelievably analytic mind

Fuck the what ifs 

Let's talk about the why's in so many layers that we get lost 

Stumbling grumbling under my breath

This life will never cease to amaze me

Nursery rhyme

Honey baby darling dear

Lay your head and don't you fear

Those that creep 

Have lost the ability to weep

And though you may think this is a blessing

I ask of you to attempt some reassessing 

The loss of tears is great

For nothing else can abate 

(a hate filled heart) 

That cannot part

With those tangible forms of pain

Shall indeed suffer in vain 

This crick in my neck

Shall I relate to you 

The way in which I saw those stars

It seemed that only I 

Could truly see them for their wonder

A wonder pure and untechnical 

Every night I craned my neck 

Just to glimpse those

Shiny specks of hope

I fancied I saw the faintest hues of 

Blue and red 

A promise of other masses out there

Floating in that infinite amount of space 

Where my pain looks quite small and insignificant 

As the days passed and my wonder grew

I noticed others did not crane their necks as I did

Did they not see and feel the infinite amounts of hope and doom and desperation? 

Again I wonder

Can't they hear ants walk