A path much inhibited by unseen forces

I find myself trying to find my place in a world that contradicts who I am and who I want to be. This appears to be an unconscious activity, but when I think about it I can't help but feel that this great challenge is the source of all of my unhappiness.

on one cloudy dusk

yes the sun has gone away

instead of peace i felt dismay

where there was once a feeling of glad room

i now only sense impending doom

drip drop the tick is mocking

bloody destruction

emotions thrown like weapons

discarded on the floor,

and tears that burn like acid

fire

burns, they hurt the worst

scarred by your obsessive need to hold onto fire

blackened skin and bleeding hearts

long white fingers that beckon you near

(ever closer to that flame)

it seems to hold all your deepest desires

abandon what you will, and feel all the regret and guilt

(because you are mine and i see no point in denying) 

run and run away from me

but in the end you will be filled with glee

with ecstasy 

standing in front of the open door

the uncharacteristic silence of that night

how it filled me with a sense of peace and of dread

i long for sleep for it carries into me dreams

places that always seem familiar and yet make me feel ill at ease 

people that i speak to, who flow in and out as if they are phantoms

the feeling of being shot, the tingling fear of people who mean me harm

and yet, in them i find a comfort that quickly recedes after waking

failure was never an option

so much is changing
i find myself trying to as well
life is different now, and i find myself looking up instead of down
i've been through a lot and i am strong and capable of being who i imagine myself to be.
i am capable of achieving these goals.
i am doing well in school and i can't help but be proud.
next tues i also begin my volunteer work at a battered women's shelter and that is something i am looking forward to experiencing.

with all these positive aspects of life i still know i've got a way to go before my gut reaction to the question; are you happy? is yes. right now it's no.

but i'm doing more then surviving in many aspects of my life, i am thriving.
now it's time to work on those other aspects. because one day i will know again the feeling of excitement when you meet someone new. one day i will do more then smirk, i will smile.

new hair